My worrisome mind chatter is often a precursor to more creative horror stories. On a recent day boating on a lake, “Does Mackenzie have on enough sunscreen?” soon gives way to violent visions of my cousin’s 6-year-old son flipping overboard before getting pulled into the propeller. At this point (largely due to years of healing and expansion work) I remember what’s happening and can break the spell.
My overactive fight or flight response began wiring while I was in utero as my mother struggled to defend herself from my biological father’s physical abuse and sexual assaults. A series of traumas further carved neural pathways and it has taken a huge amount of strength, determination and support to transform my relationship with this mind state. I can still create fantastically dramatic and unlikely scenarios with which to terrorize myself, and this has contributed to a slew of physical ailments that I continue to navigate.
However, my intuition informs me that my highest self “prescribed” this life and its resulting anxiety so I could progress along my path of TRUST DEVELOPMENT.
I’m not suggesting that we have all chosen our worst pain as a method of growth. When I consider the suffering on this planet I can become absolutely overwhelmed by how cruel and unjust some lives appear. But…Sometimes pain can open a portal to grace.
This is a proclamation as old as time itself. The classic story of the phoenix describes a mythical bird that, at the end of its 100-year life, burns ferociously until reduced to ash. And from those ashes, a fledgling phoenix emerges-–rising in brilliant rebirth.
Navigating my greatest struggles has opened up a reminder of this truth: I am, in the ultimate sense, held in love and SO ARE YOU.
Sometimes I minimize the negative experiences of my past, telling myself that the tough parts must not have been that bad if I am able to say such a thing. This is my way of making myself small so others can be sure I am not judging them if their pain is not resulting in a similar unfolding. But I’m done denying or shrinking for fear of being judged or misunderstood; both are inevitable.
Of course, no matter how much I believe in love, being completely ‘zen’ is an ego-generated perfectionistic pipe dream.
Life remains full of challenging circumstances. I am not “OKAY” every time I’m faced with anxiety. Instead, I’ve accepted that experiencing anxiety (or grief, depression, anger…) is OKAY and this trust is a doorway into the vortex of radiant energy in which we can create the magical life of our dreams.